Elevator Calculator

So here is something that I do that I wonder if others do.

I am always a little concerned when I have to get on an elevator with more than just myself. The first thing I always try and do is STEP LIGHTLY. Ha! How easy is that.  I am always scared that I am going to step on an elevator and it is going to groan as my weight touches down. The people around me would look uncomfortable and fidgety as they think, “Oh great…” Or worse yet, I am afraid that my weight is going to cause the cables to snap and send us all plummeting to our untimely death.

And in national news today, 8 people gruesomely perished when an obese man jumped into the already crowded elevator, causing the cables to snap and sending them crashing down in a fiery ball of flame and flesh.

You know how sensationalistic the media is.

Wow, the fears of the fat are insane. So ever since I can remember, which at this point is only about 10 or 15 years, I always immediately count the number of people on the elevator as I enter.  I then calculate in my head what I think each person weighs. Then I add it all up in my head and add my weight. Yeah, I know…math genius… Then I look for that little placard that tells you what the weight limit is for the elevator.

You would not believe how many times the limit is either pushed, met, or exceeded.  Nine times out of eleven, it is ME that throws the curve and raises the average.

By the time I realize that we are already pushing the poor machine to the brink or worse,… it’s too late. We have reached our destination.

Now I have been riding elevators for more than 30 years, believe it or not.  And I have yet to be on one that was so strained that it let go of its cargo and sent it to its tragic demise. But statistics are not on my side. At least I don’t think they are. Regardless, one of the reasons that I am losing weight is so that if it ever does happen, the coroner will not list ME as the camel that broke the elevators back.

Do you have any similar fears from being overweight that, in a sick and twisted way, are motivational in your weight loss journey?

Send me an email. I am thinking about having some guest bloggers write some Stuff Fat People Do posts.

Next stop, Second Floor: Hardware, Children’s ware, Ladies Lingerie. Oh, Mr Tyler!…


8 comments to Elevator Calculator

  • Whitney Wickity Whack
    Twitter: ForestersFight

    Woo-hoo! You’re not that fat guy anymore who should have elevator fear. Are you at your goal? Not yet. But you ARE already a different guy! I’m guessing you’d opt for a flight of stairs these days, too… 🙂

  • I agree with Whickity Whack. I only met you once and did not think of you as the obese guy or even overweight guy. I hope you don’t see yourself as those anymore!!! Way to go!!!!

    • hank

      Thanks Tina. You have only known me 65 pounds down! It will take a while of keeping it off and psychological healing to break me of some of the “fat” habits that I have… 🙂

  • Really smiled at this post, Hank. =)

    I don’t calculate weight, but as I enter an elevator I always do a quick (very NON-mathematical) scope of how much OXYGEN there would be in the elevator if it got stuck, based on the number of people inside. Talkers and emotional people get allocated a larger oxygen-wasting number in my mind. Hardly surprising that any elevator with more than two people in it leaves me worried! I mean, we could be stuck there a LONG time!

    I know, there’s still hope for you … but me? I should probably stick to stairs. Hey, I often do!

    • hank

      You can always open a hatch to get more air. If the cables break, no amount of oxygen will help! 🙂 Let’s make a deal and just use the stairs from now on for both of our sakes!

  • Glenn
    Twitter: FatBrain262

    Yo Hank-
    This post is *completely* illogical to me … I can understand the physics of gravity and an elevator cable breaking from exceeding the max weight capacity n all … but where in heck did the “fiery ball of flame” come from?? heh heh On second, I’m not sure I want to hear an answer to that …

  • Dixie

    I can totally relate to this post!!! Every morning when I get to work, if there are more than 3-4 of us in the elevator, I will actually either wait for the next one, or get off. I never realized until I started reading your blog 5 years after you posted this, how many hiccups us fat people have. I never realized I had a ton of napkins in my car ( the booger story made me laugh because it’s so true!) and now this, and the plastic chairs… don’t even get me started! I am reading your entire blog from post 1 to the latest one because this is the best thing I have found in years. I am fat and I want to be a triathlete eventually so you are definitely an inspiration!! Shout out from Ottawa, Canada! 🙂

Leave a Reply to Dixie




You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>