Guaranteed Weight Loss

Hey folks. Here is what you have been looking for. I am about to write the most epic post about a guaranteed way to lose weight and lose it quickly.

Seriously, I mean lose it fast.

I bet you are sitting there thinking that it sounds too good to be true, right? Well it IS the truth. You can lose 50 to 60 pounds in less than a couple of hours! Forget the gym. Forget those silly calorie counting apps. You don’t have to take those silly Dexo-ephodrin-o-whatevers. This is sooo much easier than remembering to eat well and exercise!

Enough beating around the bush. Here is how you do it.

1. Be obese.
There is no better way to lose weight, than to have weight to lose. The more obese you are, the more you will lose in this guaranteed method.

2. Get diabetes.
If you are obese then you are already on the right track. Every three seconds someone is diagnosed with diabetes and 80-90% of those people are obese.

3. Amputate a Leg (or two!).
This is IT folks! The guaranteed method to lose weight fast!  The human leg , on average, is 19% of a person’s weight. So if you weigh 350 pounds and your leg is removed, then WHAMMO! you just lost 67 pounds! There is NO OTHER method on the market that will get you these results in this amount of time! Just make sure you have great health insurance!

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But seriously folks….

Hopefully you can see that the above is a piece of social satire. It is ridiculous, isn’t it? It is almost as ridiculous as suggesting that we eat our children in order to control the population…(high five to anyone who leaves a comment below identifying where that idea comes from…Deetz, you are family and therefore ineligible for any prizes…)

But people are so desperate to lose weight that they will do just about anything.

I get so upset with people thinking there is some magic pill that will cause them to shed pounds quickly or some new fad diet that will help them lose weight fast. I get even more upset with the vultures that prey on the already fragile psyche of those who are sick and tired of being fat.

Folks. There is NO easy or magic way about it. THERE IS NO GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS METHOD outside of eating fewer calories than you burn. You have heard over and over again that you didn’t become obese overnight, so why would you expect to be able to become NOT obese overnight.

There is only one way to lose weight and to keep it off and that is a complete overhaul of the lifestyle that made you obese in the first place. The way you eat  is what is making you fat. The way I ate is what made me fat. The lack of physical activity is what is making you fat. The lack of physical activity is what made me fat.

The day that I decided to finally put into practice what I already knew it was going to take to lose weight, is the day my life changed forever. It finally hit me that it would take hard work and perseverance, not magic pills and hocus pocus. I started counting calories, every calorie and I started working out like my life depended on it. Which it did.

Please folks. Please understand that there are BILLIONS of dollars being made at the expense of people who are desperate to lose weight while all along they have what it takes on the inside to make it happen on their own.

You can do this. And you don’t need the hype. The propaganda. The horse-sh!t.

All you need is you.

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4 comments to Guaranteed Weight Loss

  • Crystal

    A modest proposal, indeed! I always enjoyed the joke about losing 200 lbs. of ugly weight (said by a woman getting a divorce).

  • Deb
    Twitter: debslosingit

    Loved this post Hank! Are we referencing A Modest Proposal, by any chance? By your numbers I have just lost the weight of one of my legs, but not by amputation, and not all at once… lol.

  • Elisha
    Twitter: elishadew

    A Modest Proposal, of course. One of my favorite pieces of literature. Last night I wrote a post about it for a literary blog I write for. Coincidence! “Like veal, only babies.” (<– not a direct quote from Jonathan Swift, mind you)

    But you're absolutely right. I still feel like I'm looking for the magic bullet (usually a program, in my case, rather than a pill) that will shed the weight once and for all, but logically I know that will never happen.

    The only way out is through.

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