What I Wish People Knew About Me

Or maybe the title should be stuff about me that you will eventually learn if you know me long enough. But I digress…

Thanks to some folks that I have “met” on the interwebs (aka No More Bacon, TooBig.net, and my boy the Badger at Starting at 500 Pounds) I have been convinced to jump on the What I Wish People Knew About Me bandwagon.  These are things that I am not really sure I WISH people knew about me, rather things that people MAY NOT know about me.  As always it will be raw. Honest. And it probably will make you cry. Let’s see how it goes…

I have a HUGE online ego, but it is a mask for my insecurities.

On twitter and my Facebook page and blog I try very hard to come across as someone with lots of confidence and swagger. I like to make people think that I am someone that they HAVE TO know. I also come across as someone who can lay it all out and not feel ashamed.  I usually walk with my head held high in real life, but I also get very scared on the inside concerning my weight and this process that I am going through to lose weight. The internet gives me the ability to deal with faceless people who I may or may not ever meet.  It allows me to speak freely and openly about my struggles with my weight but it also gives me the opportunity to ACT like a superman in this process.  I use quick wit and humor to mask the fact that I desperately want to be accepted by the weight loss community, I desperately want people to like me and I want to be successful but am always afraid I won’t be able to keep this weight loss thing up.  There. Now you know the truth.

I HATE spiders, almost more than any other thing on Earth.

Sorry Badger, I had to steal this one. This is something that those who know me are all too familiar with.  I am not so much afraid of spiders, as I am mortally afraid of them getting on me.  If I see one across the way and I can avoid it, great.  If they surprise me, I may just scream like a little girl. One time in college I took my wife (girlfriend and the time) up to the Blue Ridge Parkway (Cone Manor) late one night. Please refrain from cat calls and wolf whistles now… Well we hung out on the porch of the manor and then came back to the car.  A fog was rolling in and it was a bit scary.  She was a little afraid.  I said, “Don’t worry baby, I will protect you.” Just as I reached for the car door I spied a sneaky arachnid hanging just in front of my face! My wife had to come over and shoo it off before I would get in the car. Some hero I am.

If I am late, it is likely that I am NOT coming.

I hate being late.  Almost as much as I hate other people being late.  I do not think that my time is more important than someone else’s. If I say I am going to be somewhere at x o’clock then that is when I will be there.  If you tell me that you are going to meet me at x o’clock then you had better damn well show up at that time.  If you DO NOT show up at the designated time then you are telling me that your time is more important than mine. It is disrespectful and annoying. If you are 10 minutes late you might as well not come because I will not be there.  If there is a good reason that you are going to be running late THEN PICK UP THE GALL FORSAKEN PHONE AND CALL.  That is what I am going to do for you if I am running late. </rant>

I am passionately in LOVE with the ocean.

I feel drawn to the ocean often and the salt water, I feel, heals my body and soul.  I am a soul-surfer who doesn’t really surf. But I am working on that. I am a seafaring gypsy who lives on the land.  I do not know what draws me to the ocean.  As Phish says, it’s the ocean flowing in our veins…it’s the salt thats in our tears.  All I know is that I never want to be far from it.  My favorite tv shows are Deadliest Catch and Whale Wars, both about living on the ocean. My favorite book? Old Man and the Sea. My favorite smell is ocean breeze.  But seriously, who doesn’t like that? My favorite letter is C.  Do you see a theme here? Yes, I am a pirate. 200 years too late. So anyway, take care of the ocean folks.  If you don’t I will be mad.

I struggle with my weight AND my faith.

I have not gone into too much depth on this blog about my faith. It is not because I am ashamed or afraid to talk about it. I just figured that I may turn some people off who may otherwise be inspired by the weight loss thing if I got all “religious” here. Over the past several years I have been dealing with some serious spiritual issues.  Some more serious than others. They mainly have to deal with breaking free from the Southern American Christianity epidemic that I was raised in. I am someone who wants to know more about Jesus and act like how he acted but I am so discouraged by how far from this I feel the American church is. I want people to know that there are people out there who think that Jesus wasn’t a white male Southern Republican who hates hates minorities and loves the American flag.  I also want people who hate religion because of what “Christians” have made it to know that there are folks who care more about the loving others part than the hating sinners part (the latter isn’t Biblical mind you). I have another blog where I talk about those kinds of things.  I haven’t posted there in a while but I would be more than happy to give you that link if you email me. I will leave it at that.

I think throwing up IS funny.

Not me throwing up mind you. I have an iron constitution and can literally count the number of times I have thrown up on one hand. I remember every time except for possibly my  regurgitations as an infant.  So there is nothing funny about me having only thrown up 5 times in my life.  I think that watching other people throw up is funny.  Call me a weirdo, I know you will after this one, but there was this skit on SNL a fews years back where a rookie cop shows up at a crime scene and throws up when he sees the mess. Then everyone starts throwing up. I mean everyone. For some reason that skit had me rolling on the floor, quite a scene to see a 350 lb man ROTFL.

I eat cereal and yogurt and granola with a long TEA spoon.

Not a teaspoon as in the measuring device, rather one of those long spoons with a smaller “bowl” used for stirring sugar into your tea.  I do not know when this started. As far as I can remember I have always done this.  I will skip a regular spoon almost always. If no tea spoons are clean, I will clean one just to use. If I am somewhere that does not have those types of spoons I will whittle one out of a stick. I think I am a little CDO. That is like OCD except in alphabetical order.

…..

I think that is enough for now. You now have insight into the mind of a genius (please refer to the first item on the above list). Who will be next to tell a little about themselves? Let me know.  I will read it. I promise. But I will not visit you unless you have long spoons.

Me, out.

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