Weight Depression

…It took more than 2 years for me to take a serious step towards weight loss.  But that is for another post…

That was where I left you on my last background post about my bariatric consultation. But I was wrong. After checking into it, it was more like 3 and a half years for me to take a serious step.

I remember leaving the consultation and thinking, I am too young to take such drastic measures to lose weight.  I thought that I had what it took to do this on my own.  After all I had already started several successful business ventures before I was 30.  I knew I was a go getter.  I am the type of person who sees what I want and then I go after it whole-heartedly until I get it.  I have done this throughout my life in several forms and fashions. Except this one for some reason.  Excuse after excuse led me to growing inch after inch and pound after pound.

Well in the weeks after the consult I started making concerted efforts to get into an exercise routine.  I figured that I was already eating fine, and that all I needed to do was burn those fat cells off. I did not have scale at home to know if I was losing weight and I was not tracking how many calories I consumed to know if I was eating more than I should.  It was pretty much a recipe for failure.  I was basically just walking my dog everyday for 30-45 minutes and that was all I was doing. This was the summer of 2005.  In October of 2005, we found out my wife was preggers with our first.  I continued trying to be as active as possible until June of 2006 when our daughter was born.  Wow how that put a dent in things.  When she was born it turned crazy at my house.  I will make a long story short here by saying that my “good” eating and exercise went out the window.  I basically quit trying.

At some point after that I was having some mental stress and relegated myself to the thought that I was going to die a fat man.  I think I was dealing with some sort of depression but I am not sure.  I just figured I would never know what it was like to buy clothes off the rack ever again. I figured why even bother. I would just always be the fat guy and I would just have to face up to that.

I REALLY gave up at that point.  It went from despair to apathy.  I just quit caring.  For three years I quit caring.  I quit caring what I looked like. I quit caring if I couldn’t buy regular clothes. I just quit.  I felt like I would never succeed in losing weight so why should I even bother. But the whole time I was lying to myself.  I wanted so bad to just be normal sized, but I had given up mentally and it was wearing on me.  I ate emotionally.  I ate when I was bored.  I was not active, as a matter of fact I was becoming less than active.  I wanted to sleep ALL of the time.

Around Christmas of 2008 I realized that I was probably heavier than I had ever been.  I refused to step on a scale, so I didn’t know for sure but I could feel it.  I am not sure what happened, but I started to come out of the funk and I started feeling like I wanted to make that serious effort to change again. I knew that I could not do it on my own though. I knew that I was going to need some serious help, and I thought I knew just where it was going to come from.

I will tell you this.  I did take a serious step, and for a while it was successful.  But ultimately that attempt failed in principle.

I feel like this post is long enough for now, so we shall continue this journey at another time…




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